I recently read an article that was supposed to big up the Black father. The article’s title (something along the lines of “Black Men as Deadbeats is a Myth”) suggested, at least to me, that this would be a story of a man or men who go through hell and high water to be just as active in their children’s lives as their mothers, or, better still, Black fathers who are the primary caretakers of their children, or, even better, the fact (yes, FACT) that the statistics and media propaganda of the deadbeat Black father is just false (I have, recently, read such an article). Instead, though, this story was all about how a Black man videotaped his desperate pleas to his angry and belligerent baby’s mama to see his son who, despite the knowledge that her actions were being recorded, refused him access to their child. The old story (however true in however many cases) that further divides Black mother and father and entrenches us in the narrative of Baby Mama and Daddy.

I am sick as hell of that story.

I am what would be called a “Baby Mama.

” I do not relish in, nor do I even LIKE this term. This term conjures up images of Welfare Queens who take care of themselves before their children and do all that they can to make the father of those children miserable. This is not who I am. This is not my story. Neither is it the story of MOST Black parents, married or not. The father of my child and I have a very good and loving relationship (even if it was hard fought, the point being we FOUGHT for it). We have our issues (hence, we are not married), but we work them out and all for the sake of our three year old little girl. I tell you these things, not because we are the exception, but because we are the rule. Most families like ours are, at least, semi-functional.

Keeping it real, ALL families are ONLY about semi-functional! I am his child’s mother. He is my child’s father. We are a family, if a non-traditional one.

I am all too familiar with the propagation of the Black man as deadbeat. A man unwilling to, if not incapable of, not making multiple children with multiple women nor taking care of those women and children. Lately, there has been an influx of articles, surveys and studies proving this image a myth (read: outright lie). However, along with the positive uplifting of our Black fathers , has come the disparaging and diminishing of the image of the Black mother (as is usually the case with our people). Time and time again, site after site, article after article, Black men (and women) have gone to war against the single, Black mother. Commonplace are the phrases, “you can’t trust no woman these days,” “these women just wanna get a n—a for his check,” “you know these chicks ain’t no good,” etcetera. And Black people via facebook, blogs and news media are feeding into this. Even those who call themselves “pro-Black,” “conscious,” or “Pan-Afrikanist” are fanning this ridiculous, Black woman bashing flame- supposedly, in the name of repairing the name and image of the Black father. However, it only tears us apart and hurts our babies.

The problem in the Black community is that we have failed to behave as a COMMUNITY!

The solutions to our problems do not lie within the blame placing and shaming of one another (put down light skinned folks to uplift dark skinned folks, put down women to uplift men, put down mothers to uplift fathers). We are not our enemy! The divide between Black men and women started well before the courts, the government and the media made it look (emphasis here) profitable for us, the oppressed, to oppress one another. To degrade one for the upliftment of the other only furthers the systemic, insidious disease that is the plight of the Black man and woman in america and around the world. We must begin to choose an attitude of love toward one another, regardless of our differences and personal squabbles. We spend so much time trying to prove each other wrong and trying to trace the origin of the breakdown in our relationships to one side of us, the victimized, or the other. We get so caught up in trying not to look stupid or foolish for letting someone take advantage of our kindness, that we end up being just plain mean to each other and our children suffer.

Let me let you in on a little secret: all of the same emotions that helped you make the child should have some place in helping you raise that child, whether you are together or not (if you had a one night stand, you liked that person for at LEAST 30 seconds… work it out!). This is something that my child’s dad and I, both have to remind ourselves of when things get tough. And because of this, I have that man’s back- good or bad, right or wrong, happy or mad- and he has mine. It will always be that way because we will always share a bond that is the most precious that any two people can share: a child. We have an awesome responsibility. Our child loves and adores the both of us. I will not allow any negativity (from ANYONE) to tarnish her image of her dad, no matter what the current or past circumstance may look like. We mess up, we fight (privately and AWAY from our child), we get over it. Such is life. We will not feed into the old narrative. I urge all of the “baby mamas” and “baby daddies” to do the same. For the sake of the children.